Oh Lord, how can I not love you?

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It was just when I thought,
you have ended it for me,
that you don’t love me.

It was just when I failed,
to keep my faith in you,
in whatever that makes me me.

It was just when I didn’t,
pass it as a believer,
of you, of myself.

It was just when I had,
taken failure as the end,
of whatever I wanted to be.

It was just when everything,
seemed gloomy,
breathing air of melancholy.

It was just when I thought my green mango would be sour,
your love made it grow like sweet-nectar.

It was just when the I had lost hopes,
you healed me with fortitude.

It was just when I had lost the whole of me,
you revived me with resilience.

It was just when I thought I lost all opportunities,
you opened the doors of possibilities.

Oh Lord, how can I ever question your ways?
Oh Lord, how can I be ever afraid when you are there for me?
Oh Lord, how can I ever stop smiling when you are with me?
Oh Lord, how I can ever be unfortunate with you?
Oh Lord, how can I not love you?

-Kritika Vashist

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Let me go…

hands picture

Let me do it,

not to hurt you, but for myself.

Let me now do,

things I never wanted to.

Let me forget you,

to find myself.

Let me plunge in loneliness,

of not being alone, but me.

Let me ignore your love,

to find my love for myself.

Let me allow to pour my wrath upon you,

not to hurt you, to hurt the gutted man in me.

Let me tell you that I don’t need you,

not that you aren’t good, but I don’t deserve.

Let me not see you in that Red Saari, my lover,

not that you don’t look beautiful, but it makes me a dreamer.

Let me go, away from you, from our memories,

not for ever, but at least for few days.

Let me say that I don’t want to hear you,

to  hear my inner voices.

Let me pretend that I am happy without you,

to make it easy for you to not think of me.

Let me not show you the disappointments in me,

they are darker than you seem to know.

Let me stay quiet when you ask about my purpose,

I am shallow, even to myself.

Let me show you that I don’t miss you,

to not bother you.

Let me not discuss my dark secrets with you,

inside this man, there is a demon.

Let me not unravel my philosophical side with you,

you might think of unloving me.

Let me know the real man in me,

not just the one who loves you heartily.

Let me take some rest for a while,

before I run out of time.

Let me just get out this nothingness,

before I completely destroy myself.

Let me just hurt you for the last time,

to love you like you are just mine.

But baby, let you not cry,

it is not a goodbye.

Baby, let you not call me, drop a message.

 Let you not miss me.

Let you not try to read my heart.

Let you not smile at me and say,
I love you.

Let you not bleed your ink,
in my remembrance.

Let you not kiss me with a gaze,
no, not for now.

Let you not paint me.

Let you not recreate my presence,
in your dreams.

Baby, just let you have faith in me,

 and in our love.

 Let me go now, to come back,

and then to never leave you again.

-Kritika Vashist

A Sleepless Night and a Thoughtful Mind is Perfervid

introspection

If I hadn’t discussed about learning and introspecting on phone with a friend, I wouldn’t have decided to write this at 2:30 am. Call me insane, but listen to me if you want to.

Let me start by asking three simple questions to you.
What are the sources you learn from?
What is the purpose of your life?
Who will be the last person you would want to see when you die?

How does one learn? What learning actually means?
Learning is not when a teacher is teaching you a chapter and your are paying your 100 percent attention to it. Learning is not when you are being scolded by your parents and you quietly listen to them or when you apologize. The teacher teaches, you learn when you realize and when you implement. Parents scold for your mistakes, you learn when you don’t repeat it.

Life gives a different meaning to learning, and this learning comes from experiences, exposures, mistakes and introspection.

Suppose that I ask you to sit in a locked room with no human, without a book or music, without internet. How will you learn? You will learn by yourself, and this learning is introspection. When you spend time just with yourself, you know more about who actually you are, what do you want in life, why are you living. And when you learn about all these things you learn about yourself. Learning about yourself is heavy, extensive and necessary at the same time. You would never succeed if you don’t know what you seek from yourself, how you want to spend your whole freaking life and how to keep yourself happy come what may.

But does the learning ends here? Do we only learn from introspection? If yes is your answer then why do you interact with people, why do you travel to places, why do you go to work, why do you go to college? You should instead spend every minute of your life in introspection. However, this doesn’t happen because we learn when we step out and enter the world. Your world will have every kind of person. You might have encountered someone who is a pain in ass, someone who makes you puke with their illogical arguments. Yes, wait, there are some sensible human too you might have met. But do we only learn from the sensible ones? No. You learn from irksome and infuriating people too. You learn how it feels when you are being annoyed. You learn how to not to be like them. I don’t think  I even need to mention about learning from sensible and intellect humans. However, you may choose to ignore people like KRK and pseudo-intellect. I would suggest you to stay away from such awful people.

You spend hours on social sites, but if you are not learning, then you are not using the sources efficiently. You learn from books, newspaper, parents, friends, even from a sweeper of your locality. They don’t teach you, but you learn. Learning is a self effort. You might not learn something that is being taught, but you might learn things on your own. You don’t need a teacher to learn. You need presence of mind, willingness, a wide perception, a mind with windows to allow thoughts and flexibility.
When you hear someone saying that they travelled a new city alone and learnt about countless things, you only focus on ‘alone’ and ignore ‘learning’. They were alone but they learned when they interacted with someone. This is how we live your life, and this how learning process of life is. You step out, you explore, you interact, you discuss, you make mistakes, you have all kind of experiences and then you learn.

However, learning from interaction is done by human beings who live to survive, except all the Sadhus and Sanyasis of Himalayas, who live for existence. Have you ever wondered why do they spend their entire life meditating? The answer is simple. Their purpose of life is different from ours. They don’t need to feed their family, They don’t need money to build houses for themselves or to buy branded clothes from a city mall. Their sole purpose of life is to teach the wisdom of old, the methods of yoga and yoking soul. They usually live by themselves, away from the society of typical human, and spend their hours and days in devotion to their chosen deity. But what is the purpose of our life? Unless you have decided to be a Sadhu in future, you really need to ponder over it.
If you don’t have a purpose, you aren’t living the life. Your purpose of your life makes you to struggle every day. If your life is purposeless, your life is worthless. Forget about the family and the world, even you won’t know why the hell are you on this planet. It’s fine if you say your purpose of living this life is to eat everything, to crack lame jokes, or to think just about yourself. Having a purpose is way better than not having one.

The purpose of our live, however, changes with time. If you’ll ask your mother, she probably would say that her purpose of life is to live for her children. If you’ll ask a teenager, he would say that his purpose is to help the underprivileged. If you’ll ask your grandparents, they would probably say that their purpose of life is to die a peaceful death or to see their children happy when they are gone. With every new stage, new purpose of life comes and a new struggle. But purpose never ends until they are achieved.

The reply to the last question from my friend came, “Raveena Tandon.” You can choose anything, but a practical wish would be better, no?

Kritika Vashist